Step 1: Corruption
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As in most situations, greed is your most powerful ally. Alert the little monster to the contents of the angpows and if necessary, explain that money can be converted to their favourite commodity - toys. If you or your spouse has been spoiling your little emperor with material goods, then you should have an easy job.
Step 2: Deception
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I’m calling this step Deception so it sounds in line with the other two, but we’re really not deceiving the child. We’re merely teaching him to deceive. If anything, we’re setting him straight by informing him that ‘Gong Xi Fa Cai’ and other wishes are the means to get to the angpows. If you’ve been telling him there are some other reasons, then you may need to undo some of that misinformation.
Congratulations, your job is almost done now. He might still be shy and reluctant, so you might need to add a small reminder every now and then. Something simple like, “Hey, Billy, want to get more angpows?” ought to do the trick.
Step 3: Intimidation
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Materialism is a powerful force, but your child’s innocence might be more persistent than usual. In such a case, I find it helps to reinforce the toy-buying reason with another incentive. Let him know that whenever he hesitates to greet or wish an uncle or aunty, he creates an awkward situation which could lead to the pinching of cheeks, jabbing of ribs or tickling of armpits.
If that doesn’t get the little bugger to comply, I don’t know what will.
I hope this helps you through the rest of the CNY celebrations and good luck for the rest of the Dragon year.
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The wife and I have reached a truce for 2012.
We both agree that squabbling has been bringing out the worst behaviour in our boy.
These are the changes we want to see in each other:
I need to:
Use positive words
Stop belittling her in front of him.
She needs to:
Scream less
Stop picking on all the small stuff
Blackberry less
Spend more time talking to him
Have more patience in conversation and stop changing topics randomly, cutting other people off or finishing their sentences for them.
Stop keeping toys in her handbag to buy her way out of tantrums
Cut down on buying toys
Cut down on buying books
Start driving lessons
He needs to:
Have physical activities
Watch less TV
Expect less toys
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The kid slept late last night and couldn’t wake up for breakfast, so my wife and I got the chance to talk properly this morning. We never realised how rare these moments were. We’d almost forgotten how to communicate as adults. I started with something easy, “We need to buy some bread.”
My wife said maybe she should make some bread today. I knew where this was going and she seemed like she was in a good mood, so I jumped ahead of the conversation.
“You know, life would be simpler if we didn’t have a bread maker. I’d just say I’ll get some bread and you’d say okay and that would be the end of the discussion. Now, we have the option of making bread, so we think we need to buy bread, but homemade bread is healthier, but then again its more work and we need to clean up afterwards, but then it tastes better, but then again it doesn’t last as long... and so we stress ourselves out bouncing between these two great choices and probably won’t have any bread to eat for a few days.”
Normally, this is when she dismisses everything I have to say and goes back to Facebooking on her Blackberry. For some reason, she stayed tuned in, so I pushed forward.
“Having more choices doesn’t always make us happier. You can see it with our boy. Our rules for him are overly complicated. For example, yesterday, I already said sit on the sofa if he wants to watch telly and leave grandpa’s chair alone. He was already wiggling his little bottom onto the sofa, but you had to offer him to sit in grandpa’s chair. So then it became: don’t sit in grandpa’s chair, but sit in grandpa’s chair when he is not around.”
She was still listening. We had recently realised that everything we say to him is full of exceptions. Eat at the dining table, but if there are no fish bones, it’s okay to run around the dining room. We have too many toys, so don’t buy toys, but you can buy one if we have a coupon, or if something is on discount, or if we’re already buying toys for some other kid, or if you find something you really want.
“Every time I’ve already concluded negotiations with him, and he’s all happy and ready to move on, you jump in and redo everything. The other day, I’d already told him ‘Max, we’re not going to bring any heavy toys today because Mama has to carry lots of things’ and he was okay with that. Then you go ‘Hey Max, how about bringing the Millenium Falcon?’ Why do I even bother putting in any effort to help you at all? Not only is it a waste of my time and energy, it confuses the heck out of the little guy. We’re always so worried that he’s being short-changed of the tiniest bit of freedom, like the pleasure he gets out of some toy or book outweighs the confusion that we create from going back and forth adjusting all the rules.”
She laughed at this and said, “Sorry, I didn’t know yo had already talked to him that time. Okay, maybe we need a codeword so you can signal me when you’ve already finished negotiating.”
I thought about this a moment, but I genuinely suck at thinking up names and words. I suggested, “How about Blackberry?”
“No, that doesn’t make sense. It has to be something that will signal to me that negotiations have ended.”
“You pick it then.”
“No, you pick.”
“How about ‘keep it simple’?”
“That’s not a word, that’s more like a phrase, plus it’ll just blend into the general conversation. It has to be something that will shock me into realising that you’re giving me a codeword.”
“Like what?”
“Something like, I don’t know, abracadabra or something”
“How about abracadabra then?”
“No, not abracadabra!”
“Why not?”
She thought for a moment and gave up, “Um, okay, abracadabra.”
I don’t think she realises what she’s done. I was out at work most of today, so I’ve not had much chance to exercise it yet, but I walked around the whole day feeling like I’ve gained a superpower. I can’t fly, I’m not bulletproof and I can’t turn invisible, but from now on – every once in a while, when the conditions are just right - I can cast a spell to make my wife stop talking. I’m going to get some weird looks for sure, but I think I can get used to it.
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My son has been coughing for 2 weeks. Fortunately, he didn't have an asthma attack this time. I take great pains to warm anything that comes out of the fridge so he doesn't chill his little lungs. Last week, as he was starting show signs of getting well, my wife feeds him a full serving of ice cream. That prolonged the coughing another week. She agreed that it was a mistake and she'd not do it again, but it was the sort of unconvincing agreement, "Yayaya, Okay okay okay." After a few days, I was actually convinced that she was sticking to the plan.
Yesterday, the boy was beginning to show signs of getting well again. I told my wife that she was doing a great job and to keep keeping all the cold food and drinks away. Today my wife fed him another full serving of ice cream. He loves ice cream but he knows he isn't supposed to eat a full scoop all by himself. He doesn't ask for it unless someone offers it to him and even then, he'd ask for permission from a parent, so I know he's egged into it every time. Now his nose is runny again. My wife says that has nothing to do with the ice cream. Maybe, maybe not, but I don't see why we had to put his health at risk.
So my question is why would a mother do this to a son? Can someone explain this sort of behaviour to me? Is it out of spite? Is it a science experiment? I just don't get it. Am I being too careful?
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My wife absolutely refuses to crush empty milk cartons before throwing them into the bin, claiming it's too difficult a task. I decided to write a How-To for her and anybody else who can benefit from it.
Step 1: Make sure the carton is really empty
Step 2: Push in one of it's sides. Do the same for the other side.
Step 3: Press the carton flat
Step 4: Fold the bottom of the carton like so.
Step 5: Admire your handiwork. The carton now takes only a few cubic centimeters of space in the garbage bag, rather than a full litre.
Hope that helps.
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